Lavender field
Night 1 (July 8th 2024)
2024年7月8日月曜日 9:00 by [ - Junko - ]Tags [ - Esoterical - Life - ]
back in 2020 we were studying in a city, one third of the school year in we completely dropped out because of heavy depression and starting living more in a nocturnal way. survived mostly through 24/7 stores and weed.
as clean as we are now, on top of being employed and having a work life instead of studying, we’ve been missing that specific sensation. like we were living in a different plane of existence to the rest of the world.
yesterday, during one of my regular mania/schizo/“not sure what was it” episodes, i was despising reality, the world is a fuck, reality is a fuck. i have felt i don’t belong in this plane by any means. the meatspace is a distressing reality, and it’s built for a normie neurotypical archtype, if you are not that, you just can suck and adapt, and if you can’t, you are tagged as worthless to society.
having this in mind, i decided to realign my schedules to start living at night again, it’s the closest thing to shifting realities. the night is a parallel version of the reality where the sun is gone, temperatures are comfortable even in summer, the streets are empty and only the sounds produced by nature are left. the night is its own dimension, where barely a few decide to navigate it. this is heavily amplified by the fact i live in a village.
the objective is clear, make the most of the night, and go out explore it. this is a post series detailing that process.
The objective*
- Work from 6 to 14
- Sleep from 14-15 to 22-23
- Live betweeen 22-23 to 6
*can change as we adapt and find what works better for us
Night 1
the plan hatched at about mid-day on july the 7th 2024, it was simple, after lunch, regularly at 15, intake xanax and have it calm me and make me sleep until late night, profit.
it was a flawless plan without any possible holes… except that xanax didn’t kick in and i was not able to sleep during the afternoon at all.
not all hope was lost. while i was rolling in bed, i came up the backup plan "welp, i'll just pull an all nighter and sleep monday after work".
the afternoon was a bit uneventful, just comfed around and played vrchat with one of my partners (in fact, my other partner has also decided to go nocturnal too and had gone to sleep at 18). at midnight, i started brewing my coffee.
mostly the night was spent watching my confort show and chatting up until 2. it was the time to prepare and go out.
given i’m a creature with a frame of paranoia, i don’t feel particularly safe going out at night alone. i have one pocket knife i’ve had since i was like, 12 years old, but i needed something else, i got another (better) pocket knife, pepper spray, and a little flashlight. all purchased online so it’ll take a few days still until it arrives.
even feeling unprotected, i went out explore the night for the first time at around 2:40. i wasn’t ready to go far off, i was terrified of getting attacked. it was just going out, walking a little around the street, smoke a cig, go back. quick and smooth.
the actual experience itself was pure catharsis. while paranoia and fear were triggered, hearing foreign sounds and having slight hallucinations, but yet so comforting. the feeling that overcame this was the pure nothing. the stillness of the night. as an autistic creature, it’s very hard to adapt to the regular behaviors society expects of me but at night there is no expectations, i was able to just aimlessly wander around, intaking the scenery, find beauty in things that have always been there and couldn’t have noticed before, having room to breathe, the only sounds were those of the wind (and the ones produced by paranoia), seeing the stars on the clear summer sky, feeling the street lights in a way it would have been possible any other way. it truly felt like i was exploring another dimension.
as much as i would have liked to stay more, i was feeling very unprotected and went back home after only 15 minutes. i’ll do longer expeditions as i gather more tools and feel safer.
took a couple of pictures with my phone, of… things. a random hedge, and my street at night. it may not make any sense, but i was feeling that beauty first hand even if to an outsider perspective it feels meaningless.
after i got home, i stayed up just for a bit longer until 3:30, and then went to sleep with an alarm at 6 for work. plan was to take this little “nap” to ease me into surviving the work day and sleeping after work.
sadly, like the absolute retard i am, i woke up to the alarm, turned it off and fell asleep again, waking up naturally at 7:20. the “nap” was longer than i would have liked but still was just 4 hours so i can try and do proper some sleep after work, which i’ll have to leave later than i’d have liked as i clocked in later than expected.
for the morning, had some of the coffee from my midnight brew last night, and got to work.
see you tomorrow.
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